Reflection Questions to Ask Your High Schooler at the End of the Year
You want your child to be independent, understand their strengths and challenges, and know when they need help so that they can succeed. However, they don’t seem to be able to “connect the dots” themselves and that is doubly true for teenagers who have difficulty with language, reading, writing, and executive functioning (ADHD). My speech therapy clients with ADHD in particular struggle with the self-awareness skills needed to track what’s going well, what’s not going well, and what they should do to make changes.
Like with so many other skills, your teenager may need some guidance to develop this way of thinking. The end of a school year in high school (or college or middle school) is the PERFECT time to explore reflecting with your child.
As a speech-language pathologist who works on building self-awareness in the context of learning language, reading, and writing, I’m lucky enough to have some of these kinds of big conversations with your children.
I want to share some tips I’ve learned along the way.
How to Get Your Kid to Actually Talk to You
You might be thinking that your kid will absolutely not want to talk about this with you. They are a teenager and you are lucky if they say more than 3 words to you at a time. That’s alright. We’ll talk about a few ways to ease your teen into reflection on their year at high school.
Set the scene and build trust
Make sure you don’t make it seem like it is a test. Also, don’t make it into a test. There are no “right answers” here. Try not to jump down their throat about what they should do or feel. Don’t lecture about responsibilities. This is a learning mission so you are going to listen.
Are you noticing yourself wanting to jump in and say something like, “Well you are going to just have to study harder” or “Life is tough! Tough it out!”
Take a breath.
This is a bonding moment. Not a scolding moment. Honor your feelings. You may want to protect them from the pain of failing at something, like getting bad grades or not getting into their “dream college.” But the reality is that telling them to tough it out, dream smaller, or wise up won’t stop them from having feelings. Think about how nice it would have been if an adult had just listened instead of lecturing you when you were a teen. Be that adult. You deserved an adult like that in your life as a teen and your teen deserves it now.
Find a time when it can be just the two of you, without their siblings around and without your partner/spouse there. Let’s minimize the chance that your teenager will feel singled out and put on the spot.
Try having this conversation during an activity when you aren’t looking at each other, like when you are driving or walking around your neighborhood. Sometimes being face-to-face can be intimidating and being side-by-side makes talking about serious topics more approachable.
Make it fun! You know your kid. Would they like to make this conversation part of a special occasion, like going out for dinner or ice cream? Or would it be better if the approach was more low-key, like chatting during errands, going for a walk, or eating breakfast at the table?
Questions to Ask Your Teenager to Help Them Reflect on the School Year
Okay, now for the fun stuff. What questions do you actually ask them?! It’s pretty simple. You can distill it all down to (1) what was good, (2) what was bad, and (3) what should change. For most people asking those general questions will be met with an “I don’t know,” so let’s think through each area and come up with different options for each.
What was good?
What was your favorite part of the year?
What was your favorite class?
Favorite teacher?
Favorite project or book?
Favorite moment with friends?
If your child has trouble finding the right word or generating ideas (like many of the teens I see in speech therapy!), you can list out options and share your memories from the year. Be sure to add pauses so your kid can take over the talking when they’re ready.
“Hmm, let’s see. PAUSE What classes did you have this year? PAUSE I think you had x, y, and z. I remember you saying that Ms. So+so was really funny. PAUSE Do you think her class was your favorite?
Ask follow-up questions like “Why do you think that was your favorite?” and share your observations, “Ohh it seems like you learned that you love history this year!”
What was bad?
What was your least favorite part of the year?
Least favorite class?
Least favorite teacher?
Most difficult class/project/test?
Least favorite moment with friends?
Like with the “what was good” section, help your kid out by giving options, but try not to force the conversation in a particular direction. Do you think Geometry was hardest for them? They might surprise you and say that another class was harder! Share and summarize your observations. This will help them internalize those observations.
What should change?
What do you hope next year will be like?
What will be the same?
What do you hope will be the same?
What will be different?
What do you hope will be different next year? easier? more fun? less stressful?
What do you think will help you make things different in a positive way? Help from a parent? A special class over the summer? Help from an outside professional?
No bursting bubbles here! Try to stop yourself from saying things like “Well, math is definitely still going to be harder for you.” or “You are definitely not going to have more time for friends because you need to apply for colleges next year!”
If the conversation is going well, then your kid is being vulnerable. Let’s honor that vulnerability with love and attention.
Just like with the other sections, share and summarize your observations. This will help them internalize those observations!
Next steps:
What do you do now that you’ve had this conversation? Now you can reflect on that reflection conversation. Time to be EXTRA META.
Did your teen light up while talking about their favorite class or teacher? Awesome! Encourage them to write a short email to their teacher to let them know how much they loved their class and maybe their favorite book/project/lesson. Not only will that make your child’s teacher feel fuzzy inside, but it might also be an important first step in identifying who might be a good teacher to ask for a recommendation come college applications time.
Reflect on your teen’s likes and dislikes. If your teen has a choice in their classes, could this reflection conversation inform which classes to take? A special summer camp or class this summer? Involve your child in this decision-making. Remember, one of the points of this exercise is to help them develop self-awareness skills for themselves.
What was particularly difficult for your child this year? Is there some help that you could set up over the summer or once school starts back up in the fall? Now might be a good time to start thinking about the help they could receive.
Did your teen mention that reading, writing, and/or managing homework was hard for them this year? Did they say that they really struggle with writing essays? Did they mention having to read their Bio textbook over and over again to understand what it was saying?
Knock-knock. Who’s there? It’s me. I’m Hollis from Mindful Speech and that is exactly what I LOVE to help teens with. Set up a free consultation with me (below) so we can see how I can help you and your teen make next year even better.
Hi, I’m Hollis, the owner of Mindful Speech.
I’m a speech-language pathologist licensed in Illinois and Colorado.
I specialize in providing speech therapy to help children, teens, and young adults to improve language, reading, writing, and executive functioning skills. Now offering in-person sessions in Chicago!
Learn more about me on my About Hollis page.